Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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