I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
