Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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