are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I supernannyed him into submission
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
