I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
