did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize