dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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