HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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