Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
