I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
