someone get that fucking seahorse.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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