So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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