i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
