well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
