so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
