I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
