my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she told me i tasted like america
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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