Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
