May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I want a musical about memes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
