We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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