babies were throwing up all over the place
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
