im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
