Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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