I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
