I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
