apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
