Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
