I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
