I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can text with my tongue
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
