I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
