I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
