I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
