hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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