my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
