Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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