fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Please, let me fuck your mom
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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