i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
