The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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