i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
