Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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