trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
