And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
