Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
