My nipple is on Facebook.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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