Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
