i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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