I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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