I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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