Screwed.edu
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize