I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
