god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
