Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
