so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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