If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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