I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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