Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
