i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize