the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
