Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
