im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
