Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
two words: eviction party
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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