You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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