Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
