Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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